As the daylight was waning that first December in Hangzhou, so was my temperament and hope. My journal entries this month reflect a robust wrestling with God. Like Jacob in Genesis 32: 22-32, I wanted to be bold enough to ask the Lord for a blessing. I nonetheless feared that all I'd get would be a permanent limp.
I’m angry, Lord. Do I have a right to be? How should I respond with this anger?....I’m feeling rather alone and incredibly vulnerable, Lord...I pray that you continue to refine and purify my desires, Lord, so that whatever “next step” I want in leadership is to serve your Kingdom...I want to walk step by step, Lord, but I must admit that it’s hard to stay inspired and diligent in my [Chinese language] studies when I see no hope on the horizon.... Forgive me if I’m despairing when I shouldn’t be. I do want to be trained, Lord. I want to be disciplined, and I want to live up to the task of being your servant. Yet I see a lot of disappointment surrounding me. I just want to feel like I’m suffering these hardships for a purpose (December 5, 2011).
Potential allies had let us down, once hopeful possibilities crumbled in our hands, and our housing situation in the university's dorm was becoming increasingly dire. The winter cold flooded in through the visible gaps in the too-small window panes, and the dorm authorities would burst into our room unannounced, any time they pleased, for capricious security checks. Despite our best efforts, we found ourselves exhausted, confused, and falsely accused by new acquaintances.
I need a new place to live now, Lord...Please, Lord. Please provide for our basic needs. Give us your perspective in all this. I’m tired, Lord... I can’t serve you effectively if I’m always having to fight for basic needs. I’m TIRED. I’m tired of putting up with this idiotic and paternalistic and paranoid country (December 14, 2011).*
Though I didn't learn this word until a few months later, 变化 (bianhua, which means "change" or "transformation") accurately describes what God was doing in our lives in December 2011. My friend and colleague Elyn notes in her book on the spiritual meaning of Chinese characters that the bottom part of the first character, 变, means "to strike." As Elyn observes, "transformation requires effort, like the effort used in chopping wood or striking a bell." Through the active process of 变化, God was using these hardships to transform us.
It has not been an easy process of discipleship, Lord. It has been incredibly difficult to let go of my own fears, my own suspicions, my own judgments of myself and others. Yet may we obey you and submit to you every day. May we love you. Perfect love casts out all fear (December 2, 2011).
Thank you that your Scripture is alive to me in a new way...Thank you that in my vulnerability and weakness, you are made strong....Thank you that I am coming to know you more and more as a personal God (December 18, 2011).
Our lives were indeed changing as the hopeful light of Advent burst forth into our darkness. Shortly after my desperate prayer for better housing (and a plea to others to pray for us in that regard), God revealed a wonderful apartment to us in a surprising way. The very people who had just disappointed me soon connected me with the church in Shanghai where I would be hired as the Assistant Pastor less than a year later. Brian and I enjoyed sweet meals and intercultural holiday memories with new friends. A few days before Christmas, we flew to sunny and warm Sydney, Australia to join my parents as we visited my brother and sister-in-law for a much-needed vacation.
One particular Bible study session that December encapsulated the 变化 that God was working in us. Our Bible study host had lost power that evening, so we were scrambling to figure out an alternate light source. One participant in the group had just received a care package from Germany filled with vanilla scented candles and Christmas mints, and she felt led to share those precious gifts with us. So we lit the candles, savored the mints, and sang some spontaneous Christmas carols in the gently flickering light. What had initially looked like a liability (the lack of light) became a blessing as we accepted a lovely gift from a surprising source. The One who brings us manger Messiah babies from Bethlehem surprised us yet again with beauty out of chaos.
*I'm not proud at how angry I became at my host country, but I want to be honest about it. Despite profound exhaustion in December 2011, I scrawled out a blog at the time about what was happening. Please click here to take a look.
I’m angry, Lord. Do I have a right to be? How should I respond with this anger?....I’m feeling rather alone and incredibly vulnerable, Lord...I pray that you continue to refine and purify my desires, Lord, so that whatever “next step” I want in leadership is to serve your Kingdom...I want to walk step by step, Lord, but I must admit that it’s hard to stay inspired and diligent in my [Chinese language] studies when I see no hope on the horizon.... Forgive me if I’m despairing when I shouldn’t be. I do want to be trained, Lord. I want to be disciplined, and I want to live up to the task of being your servant. Yet I see a lot of disappointment surrounding me. I just want to feel like I’m suffering these hardships for a purpose (December 5, 2011).
Potential allies had let us down, once hopeful possibilities crumbled in our hands, and our housing situation in the university's dorm was becoming increasingly dire. The winter cold flooded in through the visible gaps in the too-small window panes, and the dorm authorities would burst into our room unannounced, any time they pleased, for capricious security checks. Despite our best efforts, we found ourselves exhausted, confused, and falsely accused by new acquaintances.
I need a new place to live now, Lord...Please, Lord. Please provide for our basic needs. Give us your perspective in all this. I’m tired, Lord... I can’t serve you effectively if I’m always having to fight for basic needs. I’m TIRED. I’m tired of putting up with this idiotic and paternalistic and paranoid country (December 14, 2011).*
Though I didn't learn this word until a few months later, 变化 (bianhua, which means "change" or "transformation") accurately describes what God was doing in our lives in December 2011. My friend and colleague Elyn notes in her book on the spiritual meaning of Chinese characters that the bottom part of the first character, 变, means "to strike." As Elyn observes, "transformation requires effort, like the effort used in chopping wood or striking a bell." Through the active process of 变化, God was using these hardships to transform us.
It has not been an easy process of discipleship, Lord. It has been incredibly difficult to let go of my own fears, my own suspicions, my own judgments of myself and others. Yet may we obey you and submit to you every day. May we love you. Perfect love casts out all fear (December 2, 2011).
Thank you that your Scripture is alive to me in a new way...Thank you that in my vulnerability and weakness, you are made strong....Thank you that I am coming to know you more and more as a personal God (December 18, 2011).
Our lives were indeed changing as the hopeful light of Advent burst forth into our darkness. Shortly after my desperate prayer for better housing (and a plea to others to pray for us in that regard), God revealed a wonderful apartment to us in a surprising way. The very people who had just disappointed me soon connected me with the church in Shanghai where I would be hired as the Assistant Pastor less than a year later. Brian and I enjoyed sweet meals and intercultural holiday memories with new friends. A few days before Christmas, we flew to sunny and warm Sydney, Australia to join my parents as we visited my brother and sister-in-law for a much-needed vacation.
One particular Bible study session that December encapsulated the 变化 that God was working in us. Our Bible study host had lost power that evening, so we were scrambling to figure out an alternate light source. One participant in the group had just received a care package from Germany filled with vanilla scented candles and Christmas mints, and she felt led to share those precious gifts with us. So we lit the candles, savored the mints, and sang some spontaneous Christmas carols in the gently flickering light. What had initially looked like a liability (the lack of light) became a blessing as we accepted a lovely gift from a surprising source. The One who brings us manger Messiah babies from Bethlehem surprised us yet again with beauty out of chaos.
*I'm not proud at how angry I became at my host country, but I want to be honest about it. Despite profound exhaustion in December 2011, I scrawled out a blog at the time about what was happening. Please click here to take a look.