My time here has only confirmed the vitality of this way of thinking. One of my new teachers this semester introduced herself by telling us her age (35), then promptly saying, as if this fact were tautological, “of COURSE I am married and have a child!” Some of our other teachers (who are about our age) have confessed the intense pressure they face to marry and to have children. In response to this pressure, we have heard that a thriving “rent-a-boyfriend” business has emerged. Why would an accomplished, career-minded young woman want to pay to rent a boyfriend, you ask? Picture this scene:
Young woman (after traveling back home for Chinese New Year): hello, family!
Family: Hello! Ah, you are getting fatter! You need to watch your weight, or you’ll never get a boyfriend. Oh, who is this handsome young man?
Young woman: Well, this is my boyfriend. His name is (pauses to make one up) Lee.
Family: Wonderful! We were getting worried about you. You know you need to settle down very soon, right? We want a grandson! Glad to see you have finally found someone.
Yup, “rent-a-boyfriend” buys a year of breathing room as a placation for pushy families. Like everything else in the Middle Kingdom, these boyfriends-for-hire save face.
I recently had a conversation with some friends that revealed to me why these ideas are so entrenched here. The Chinese not only rely on Confucian ideas of proper hierarchies, but they also see gender as a reflection of yin and yang.
You’ve probably heard of yin and yang—the Taoist idea symbolized here?
Yin and yang also appear in ideas of traditional Chinese medicine, as well as dietary preferences. On more than one occasion, we have had a meal with Chinese friends who have told us “THIS food is for women,” and “THAT food is for men.” Such a differentiation seemed extremely odd at first, but now we understand: everything we do, including what we eat, serves to balance these polarities. Why my “organic” brown sugar proudly boasts it is “for women" finally makes sense.
Yet the payoff for such tight knit fellowship seems to be wholehearted deference to entrenched ideas of proper relations. Cultures and groups as varied as the Amish, the British noble class of earlier centuries, or certain indigenous communities also have this all-or-nothing approach. There is no picking and choosing, which obviously causes hardship for those who fall outside the expected norms.
I’ll conclude my thoughts for now. There are many more reflections that could be made about this topic, but suffice it to say for now that the topic of gender is alive and well in China in often surprising ways—especially when it dictates what kind of food I am supposed to buy!